Online BDSM Dating Tips

by Slaveduties
24, September 2010Sharing13 Comments

BDSM Dating Tips

Humans are social animals, there is no disputing that fact. When we are alone we feel lonely – almost as if loneliness is some prehistoric feeling as a protection from allowing ourselves to be alone. It’s so deeply engrained in us, such an integral part of our being to have contact with others. The internet adds a new dynamic to this whole equation of course, as we can socialize, while being physically alone. From a survival standpoint, humans liked being together because together we are strong, a united front for defense against the elements of nature, animals, etc. – now however, those really aren’t an issue – yet our need to socialize remains, and so socializing while being physically alone (as on the internet) suddenly becomes viable.

Oftentimes I don’t think it’s enough, though. Mere mental togetherness as is achieved through online relationships – while emotionally fulfilling lack that certain something that comes with being physically together, and I think most people who have online relationships have a hope or a plan at least if it’s very serious to eventually take it to the physical realm. Of course I’m sure there are exceptions, and I’m sure there are very many happy online couples – but I get the feeling that it’s not the case in general. Even more so in BDSM relationships because of the very nature of the physical aspects that go along with most people involved in BDSM.

firstly, an amazing chat was had last friday, (check out the chat room!) I think I was in chat for well over 3 or 4 hours, I forget – but some other people were in there for even longer…we had an amazing time. Some interesting questions popped up during this amazing chat session. As a male dominant, why can it be so hard to even get a message back from a prospective female sub? How can you improve your chances of getting your foot in the door?

As a male dominant, why can it be so hard to even get a message back from a prospective female sub? – In my experience, and from what I’ve been able to find in my research on this topic – male dominants simply outnumber female subs. I won’t try and go into the reasons for that, but the fact is – female subs tend to have the pick of the litter of who they’d like to be submissive to – it’s just numbers. The other fact, and I know this is fact from a personal standpoint – is that female subs are constantly…and I mean constantly inundated with messages from rude men. Being a maledom does not give you the right to be rude to someone you’ve never met – dominance comes with trust and you MUST earn that trust first, so some general rules to follow…Follow me after the break to read the rest of the post!

A disclaimer: Slaveduties.com community has a remarkable amount of top-notch male dominants that are kind, genuine, appropriate, respectful, informed and intelligent. That being said, this site gets about 200,000 unique visitors per month now, and many of those people are not members of the community, they just read the blog – I’m not targetting this at anyone in particular :)

  • Just as in real-life, first impressions mean a lot more than most of realize. Your spelling will be taken into consideration, even if subconciously by your prospective female submissive. As simple as it sounds, one’s spelling is a clue into who you might be, it’s not the end-all-be-all obviously, but what we’re trying to do here is maximize your chances to get your foot in the door. When sending your first message, make sure your spelling is as good as it can be – when in a chat room it’s not quite as important, I don’t think – but when writing an email or a PM to someone on a website, take your time and don’t rush it.
  • Sincerity translates through text for most people, especially many women who are somewhat more tuned into reading between the lines. Keep in mind most female subs have had many many messages to read through already, and have learned the signs. Make sure you are sincere in your desire to not just have cybersex, get free pics, or have a one-night stand…building a relationship, trust, and common interests is the first and most important thing to establish. Your message need not be a novel, but make sure it’s more than a line or two!
  • Cock Shots. Just…just…don’t! I cannot stress this enough. Listen, I am a self-admitted cock-worshipper – but I am not the norm, believe me. If your profile pic is a picture of your cock…just stretch your hand out in front of your head, then move it as fast as you can into your forehead. Once you’ve recovered from the impact, take a picture of yourself, grey out your face if your worried about anonimity, and replace your cock shot with an appropriate pic. I have friends that have literally hundreds and hundreds of unanswered messages on Alt.com and other dating sites based on the fact that the sender’s profile pic was a cock shot. Again, imagine in real life – if you walk up to a woman and whip out your dick. Well…that kind of turns me on, but thats not the point! lol – Don’t expect to find another me, out there…I don’t think I’m anything special, but I definitely know I am not the norm.
  • Don’t lay on compliments too thick, and when you do – make sure they are appropriate and not too forward. Saying “You have a sweet pussy” in regards to a picture in their profile may seem really sweet to you, but chances are you’ll make the person just regret posting that picture in the first place.
  • Go over the person’s profile and make sure your interests actually match hers! A common practice is that the person will check out your profile – if you have opposing interests, obviously there wasn’t a point in sending a message in the first place. Check out more than her pics. Read her bio, and what she’s looking for. If your not it based on those simple facts, you will just seem like your not serious or are looking for a fling. Slightly offtopic, but Alt.com does provide a great “love match” style of system that will pair you up with people that are looking for the same thing as you, which takes this somewhat out of the equation.
  • An interesting tip that a male dominant once told me, was that when he was contacting female subs – he would masturbate and have an orgasm – and then start writing his message. Horniness generally tends to effect people’s brains – both male and female. We are all more forward, and open…but you must remember the person receiving the message may not be in the super-aroused state you might be. So, cum – then write your message when you are one hundred percent you again, and not full of sexual energy. Chances are you’ll write a far more realistic and respectful message, thereby maximizing your chances further!

Ultimately I’d like to hear from other women, what they like to hear from possible suitors – and what attracts them to someone, over the medium of text. Any horror stories? Success Stories? Please comment about them. Men as well, did you do something that really worked? Please comment about it, so others can improve their chances to find that special someone. We are social animals, and we all need and deserve companionship.

13 Comments

  1. Admin
    e
    24 September 10, 4:12pm

    what about your profile? any tips on that?

    Reply
  2. Admin
    kitten
    24 September 10, 5:41pm

    i met Master on Alt.com..and what attracted me was that He refrained from any sexual talk at all, and was focused on getting to know who i am. It was so refreshing to find someone who genuinely wanted to know about my life, likes and dislikes. His intelligence was another thing that got me. He writes very precisely..no wasted words.
    Of course i have my fair share of cock shots on Alt.com as well. All unanswered.

    Reply
  3. Admin
    AliceRose
    25 September 10, 9:23pm

    Once a person contacted ne saying, I’m looking for aa femal submissive your a submissive can I domm you?………… Need I say more, this guy was a creep he is a pervert

    Reply
  4. Admin
    subintraining
    25 September 10, 10:50pm

    Hi everyone! Slaveduties – I am a huge fan of your site! I’m pretty new to all of this, and this was the first site I went to and felt like “I’m not crazy, this is just who I am, and so is this wonderful person, so I must be alright” if that makes any sense.

    So here’s my question, since I’m really really new to this…I keep getting requests for naked pictures after three or four e-mails back and forth, and I’m just not comfortable sending nude shots to someone I barely know. Should I be sending them? Is that something normal for a Dom to want/request/demand? I hope this isn’t a dumb question….

    Thanks! Love what you’re doing on this site.

    Reply
  5. Admin
    NB
    26 September 10, 1:29am

    subintraining That is a personal thing. If you don’t feel comfortable or that you know the person well enough yet don’t send the pictures. You want to make damn sure you trust a person before you put naked photos of yourself out there as they can end up ANYWHERE. That is my opinion at least. If you aren’t in a relationship with the Dom/me they don’t really have any right to demand that.

    Reply
    • Admin
      subintraining
      26 September 10, 9:31am

      Thank you. It always feels strange telling a Dom/me, well anyone really, no. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing something wrong.

      Thanks again NB

      Reply
  6. Admin
    j.
    27 September 10, 10:20am

    Thanks for this post. I love your blog and read it avidly, but this is the first time I’ve left a comment.

    You make some really good points here. I’m glad to read your tip to guys of not sending/posting cock shots. I thought I was just being weird/prudish but I set a rule when I first joined any kink sites that I wouldn’t reply to anyone who had a cock pic as their main profile picture.

    As a young female sub (I just recently turned 20) I am constantly bombarded with inane, thoughtless and sometimes downright offensive messages, almost always from male dominants. It has really put me off several sites that were otherwise quite good.

    What’s also strange is I’ve recieved requests to play from male subs, too, even though my profile clearly states I am 100% submissive with no interest in topping…

    J.

    Reply
  7. Admin
    Love2KnowMore
    01 October 10, 5:11pm

    I am very interested in learning more about the Dom/sub relationship and I would appreciate any help that you can give me.
    Thank you
    L

    Reply
  8. Admin
    fefe
    02 October 10, 5:13pm

    my Master contacted me because His Alpha slave was going to attend the same party as me and was always very honest and up front to me have been part of his family for 2 months now.. being honest to potential slaves is a big thing makes us think u might be serious and know what u r looking for.

    Reply
  9. Admin
    ElaineC
    09 October 10, 11:56pm

    Honesty is very important. Getting to know each other a bit first is also very important. That is probably why Sir and I are so close – we knew each other before I became his sub, even before I knew he was a Dom. Once I found out his proclivities, we talked a great deal about what he wanted in a sub, his limits, what I wanted in a Dom, my limits, and how to work together to make our time together the best it could be. This cannot be underestimated.

    Male doms who see a female sub and immediately assume they can top her are a huge turn off and highly unlikely to find a female sub. Just because we are subs, that does not mean we are push overs for every person calling him/herself a Dom.

    Reply
  10. Admin
    What it Means to Be Dominant
    31 January 11, 4:00pm

    [...] it means to be dominant. I’ve certainly written about being a male dominant, in a post about online dating advice for male dominants – however I’ve never really talked about what it means, or how I feel about [...]

    Reply
  11. Admin
    Sire
    02 February 11, 7:27pm

    Slaveduties, I hope you don’t mind if I reply to this post so long after it was originally posted, however I tend to get rather busy and need to do a catchup every now and then.

    Online prospecting for a submissive is something I have a passion for in really only one way, educating male Dom’s on protocol and general manners, you have touched on most of my normal points… And I had to chuckle at the cock shot comments. Even as a male Dom I van not bring myself to one of those pictures, if a female sub wants to see it she is going to ask, and in fact I make them beg normally. Submission even for a cock whore is not the only thing they are interested in and often is the last thing that would be discussed.

    My next point is not one of gloating but I receive at least one request every week from female subs asking to be considered, and it used to annoy me… That is until I understood why. So male dom’s should make a note if you have a good reputation and are accurate, polite in everything you do, you will gain the respect which is required from a sub to actually male them submit on their own. This is a good sign for a Dom in that she has shown her respect and already established trust…

    Finally, read the womans profile!!! Take 5 mins of your online time to read and actually see what she is wanting, most profiles are full of everything you need to approach the girl and actually get a positive response from her.

    Sire

    Reply
  12. Admin
    Kalee
    17 February 11, 12:19am

    I am a new sub and agree with you completely! Thankyou for setting the record straight on what subs like and dislike…… Kalee

    Reply

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