The Daily Grind
The daily grind, I think I’ve come to love it. As many of you know I had a pretty hard time in my teens and early 20′s…being such a submissive and obsessed with the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle I basically dedicated my life to finding a Master and becoming the ultimate slave.
When I started this blog, I thought I had finally found that…and indeed to this day I think I have. It’s not an easy life, as you can imagine. Pain and suffering are a constant…humiliation, degradation, and an intense desire to constantly try and be better – so as I remain relevant are a constant. This is on purpose of course – elegantly designed by Master in order to keep me at my absolute peak of servitude at all times.
But anyone who has spent any amount of time in the chat with me knows how often I use the smiley face emoticon. I smile…a LOT. I can’t help it, I’m a happy slave. I am happy in these conditions and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
But in the last year or so, something else has gripped me…deeply.
I love to work! I love the satisfaction of creating something, showing it my Master, feeling the glow of his approval, and finally publishing it for the world to see and enjoy. Having the friends we have and working together has been and continues to be an amazing experience. Goddess Starla and Mistress Irony as well as our friends over at Wasteland are just such a joy to be around. They look at me with…respect. I am respected because I work hard, and because I do good work. I can’t begin to explain how good this feels. It makes me feel like I have worth, and yet at any moment they can grind me under their heel (which they often do) – and it gives me this previously unkown feeling. To be respected for one’s work, yet still absolutely submissive upon request.
Years ago, I had wanted to be a mindless slave…locked up, shut away – never to think like a human again. I have never been so happy that something I wanted didn’t end up happening. I have done runs of that life, weeks on end…and while it was blissfully tormenting and I look forward to more weeks in lock up, I don’t think it could ever match the satisfaction I feel when I have done good work and published something good. Something like Slaveduties.com – or designing graphics, or helping shoot content for various web sites. There is absolutely satisfaction in hard work. And let me tell you…it is HARD.
Everyone seems to think working in the porn industry is all glitz and glamour. I want to shed some light on that.
Very long work days…this is a big one. The days are so damn long. At the end of a day, my back is literally killing me. The amount of running around, getting lights, picking up sets, putting down new ones, moving lights, getting water, changing costumes, helping with makeup, holding a very heavy camera. You basically don’t stop moving or hauling something for like 12 hours. When I am finally able to crawl into my cage and curl up, hearing the click of the lock…I go into a slumber unrivaled by just about anything but the absolute worse beatings I’ve endured…not solely because of the pain in my body, but…and here is the kicker…The Mental Fatigue.
All of this is extremely mentally taxing…I know that sounds weird. Mentally taxing on a porn set? That can’t be! Well, perhaps for some it isn’t – but there are so many considerations one must take. Keeping the models happy with water/food, having the premises of each scene planned out and executed properly, and so many problems arising at every turn. From limbs going numb and having to completely change the set to make up for it, to a light burning out, or one of a million different things.
But the mental challenge is something I am getting a lot of satisfaction from. When you guys (and by you guys I mean the grand anonymous internet out there) comments on something, or emails us and tells us how much you enjoyed our work…god does it fill me with pride. It fills me with just as much pride as when Master brags about me to other dominants. That kind of pride that you can feel in your chest, physically.
Now of course, while all of this is a lot of work…I still am on the lowest possible rung. And that’s where there has admitedly been a little bit of conflict, where I know there should be none…but it has been a challenge.
For example, last week – we shot at Wasteland – and I worked wicked hard, as I always do. We broke for lunch and Master prepared my meal, which was salad, a mixture of nuts, and water – and he placed it on the ground for me to eat. I never eat at a table, ever – yet…everyone else was eating sandwiches and pizza. I wanted to sit with the rest of the crew and eat sandwiches and pizza, instead of eat off the floor my little salad and nuts. There was a massive conflict inside myself that took a lot to hold down. I wanted to cry so badly.
I wanted to bring it up with Master (and in a way I am doing that right now as he reads all my blog entries) – yet what would that have achieved? Just because of this little feeling, do I really want to give up this amazing slave life that I have? Of course not…the feeling passed after just a few minutes. And in retrospect what could he have done? Said "suuure come up and eat with the rest of us, as if you’re not a slave or anything"? – no, that would’ve completely comprised my own self image that we’ve taken years to break down and put back together as a slave. I am not meant to eat at the same level as everyone else, or eat what they are eating.
Like Goddess Starla says…"This isn’t a game, this isn’t playtime, this isn’t roleplay…this is LIFE." – I am not a play slave, we don’t go back to "being normal" after an orgasm. I get hosed down and put back in my cage to wait for more abuse. That’s life and that’s how I want life to be. NOT that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just not who or what W/we are.
So…the daily grind. I love it, I truly do…but as with anything it presents new and unique challenges that I’ve never faced. And I’ve learned that I enjoy facing those challenges…if it was easy, it wouldn’t be any fun would it?