Nothing Good Comes Easily

There is something inherently dark about BDSM – it generally lives in the dark recesses of our minds, especially if you dont’ live in a 24/7 relationship and you need to conceal it from the world.

I love the dark feel of this video because for me it really encompasses that dark feeling I get when I am being beaten…or when I’m being humiliated. This darkness comes from the deepest darkest pits of me, and it only grows the more I am beaten or humiliated. Like in this video, when Master comes out of the darkness to torture this poor slave girl. I feel something deep inside me…

It’s hard to explain just how it feels to be helpless and humiliated…you don’t have a choice in the matter of what happens to you. It’s a feeling that you don’t really understand until it actually happens. When your head is being forces down, a cock being literally forced into your throat, whether you gag or not…it feels like endorphins get pumped into my body, and I fly into the stratosphere, just like I’m sure it happens to Daisy Dukes in this amazing video by Wasteland.com

It’s funny how we can find freedom in bondage…I think it’s just a matter of how our brain reacts to adversity. I don’t have any other explanation for it…maybe it’s something like a "Runners High" or something. But seeing this video, and the roughness of it definitely brings out that darkness in me. I’ve also seen the whole thing, not just the trailer so I know just how brutal it gets. And it just drives me absolutely crazy.

I just watched this video again and it kind of prompted this little rant that I wanted to share. And what prompted me to watch this video again was the fact that last night Master put me outside in the garden last night, naked as usual except for the bindings keeping my arms behind my back in a "Reverse prayer" and my posture collar…there is still some snow on the ground here in Montreal, and my feet began to freeze. He did all this because when I was sucking his cock prior, I made the mistake of removing my mouth from his cock to answer a question. Which is a very amateur mistake…it’s expected of me to answer his questions while his cock remains in my throat.

I didn’t have a say in the matter, he just tossed me outside and locked the door. It was terrible, but I learned my lesson…I doubt it will happen again, even by mistake. But the point is, losing control, losing the ability to say "no, you are not putting me outside naked and bound to freeze." – that is such a foreign concept. It boggles my mind even as I sit on the floor here with my little laptop typing this out. He is sitting at his nice desk comfortable in his chair and my knees are hurting because I’m kneeling on the floor to write this.

But the amazing thing is that I love it…and we all do, don’t we? It’s amazing, and it’s beautiful. I am just lucky that I have a Master that can keep pushing these desires to their limits and beyond. There is nothing worse that desiring this and not being able to attain it, no matter what level of it you desire. I just feel blessed, and actually…I’m getting slightly tired of trying to analyze or understand it. Because the more I think about it, the more I try to wrap my mind around it…the more questions arise, the more mysterious it all seems to me. With every answer or epiphany that comes, five more questions come out of the woodwork.

I masturbated hard to this video, and it made me feel all these things…and the other thing I feel so lucky to have, is this blog, and this awesome community. Knowing someone is reading all this somehow makes it more legitimate in my mind, because I do think a lot about what I type before I type it, because I know it effects so many people…and while that is flattering, and astonishing to me, it’s also scary – because I want to put out the real me, and my own educated thoughts for you to absorb and maybe insert into your own thoughts and lives.

Nothing good in this life comes easily :)