Master had invited over some people for a BDSM friends evening last night, I was excited because Goddess Starla was invited and I haven’t seen her in a little while, and I was excited to get her amazing feet in my mouth (I know, I’m selfish) – along with another couple who is not in the public eye thus will remain nameless. It was a very nice evening…the slaves served dinner, and serviced the superiors under the table, provided entertainment afterwards…then the slaves sort of cliqued up a bit and we started to talk amongst each other in the kitchen on the floor…this actually happens quite commonly, and I feel like our dominants are happy that it happens…it’s definitely nice to talk with other submissives, vent a bit, relate on a level that is impossible to relate with our dominants. I have my sister-slave to do this with, but the others don’t, and even for me it’s nice to talk to others.
The topic of the evening that came up was a difficult one. Jealousy. Evil, evil word…evil emotion. Nothing about jealousy is good…it sucks in every way/shape/form. The reason it came up was because the “nameless slave” lets call him…Nameless, was only a few weeks into an open relationship with his Mistress, well…”open” isn’t quite the right word, “Cuckold relationship” is far more accurate. He had been locked up in chastity for quite a while, they’ve been together for years in fact, and only recently did she express that she was lacking in the sexual department.
Personally, I can’t believe she lasted that long…I gasped, I thought that she was free to be with other men, for ages. I was impressed by her ability to stay monogomous, despite not being able to have “real” sex. I suppose that says a lot about Nameless’ abilities with his tongue! Regardless though, he brought it up because he asked us how we deal with our jealousy, me of my Master, and Goddess Starla’s Cuckold relationship as well. Master is with other women, not too frequently, but often enough, and of course I had to contend with the house slave…and the entire time of him treating her better than he did with me…If you’re unfamiliar with what happened I blogged about it of course – click here to find out – so I’ve had my fair share of dealing with this evil emotion.
I feel like we as humans have two brains. We have our old brain, I believe many people call it our “reptile brain” and this is responsible for many of our instincts, and primal emotions. Greed, jealousy, anger, fear among them.
Then I feel like we have a big calculating computer sitting on top of it…and everything from the old brain gets filtered through this complex calculator that is our modern brain. I have absolutely no idea how accurate this is, maybe I heard it somewhere, maybe it’s completely ficticious…I have no idea. The point is that’s what it feels like.
I don’t think we’ve evolved past those primal emotions built into our old brain…I think those emotions helped us survive in the Sahara while we hunted wildebeast or whatever, and needed these super-powerful emotions to guide our decision making. Greed to ensure we got enough food, despite others, jealousy in order to make sure our DNA was passed down. I’m speculating of course, I don’t actually know…but it makes sense to me, and this is my blog dammit, I have no control anywhere else in the world, give me a break! :P Anyway, the point is we haven’t evolved past these chemicals that get pumped into our blood stream when our primal brain interprets something, like our mate having sex with another person. These chemicals get pumped into our blood stream and they say “Hey! Be pissed about this! They are taking your mate! Stop it! Now!!” – And it’s so strong that it hurts inside. It’s so powerful you can barely contain it or control it.
Nameless was telling us about how he helped pick out her clothes, helped her her get dressed, shaved her, painted her nails, cleaned and polished her shoes, put them on her feet – then watched her walk out the door to meet another man, and how he felt like his world collapsed at that moment. He described this “two brain” thing precisely as I had in my own mind. He said that rationally he knew very well he could never sexually satisfy her, that ultimately he would never ever have sex with her, that he is beneath her, and that she even just as a woman, not even a female-dominant, has the human need to make love…to get fucked proper. And yet all the while there was this complete irrationality inside him, burning his insides like fire. I related…so well. I know that feeling. It feels like you swallowed acid, your chest feels like it’s melting…on fire, but at the same time containing a nuclear explosion that wants to explode out of you.
This is jealousy. And it SUCKS. Rational thought has no bearing whatsoever while you are in the grips of jealousy. All you can think of is your loved-ones cock in someone else, or in Nameless’ case her pussy being rammed by a cock 10x as big and satisfying as his. What if they don’t want me anymore? What if I’m not needed? What if…what if….if…they fall in love?
It’s easy to feel like the old shoe…the new thing is so new and exciting. So how does one cope with that? How do we as slaves cope with that? I’ll be honest…I’m not sure I know the answer. I think it’s one of those situations where there is no substitute for hard work. We have to work hard as slaves to be *slaves* – to put our needs and feelings below those of our dominant. I doubt I’m the “norm” on this, but I feel like I’ve reached a point in my slavery that I feel like if he fell in love with another woman, didn’t need me anymore…well then that would be that. It should not be my place to decide who he loves or needs. Thankfully it’s never even come close to that, and I am secure in the notion that it won’t – but still, I feel like the ability to reach that understanding is so powerful as a slave. Like Goddess Starla says…this isn’t a game, it’s not playtime. I am a real slave. In fact…I don’t think I’d even recommend this to just about anyone…I think very few people should reach this level, and all of this needs to be taken less seriously. Consider that a disclaimer.
The man that Nameless’ mistress fucked that night fucked her 1000x better than he ever did…he only had a few opportunities before she cut him off from any pussy ever again, but still…he had been out-performed 1000:1 – he made her feel like a woman, he was rough with her, he satisfied her in ways that her slave never ever could. There is a reason he’s permanently in chastity, it’s the same reason all the Mistresses I know keep their slaves locked up. They make better slaves, and they aren’t real men to begin with. Like Mistress Irony of MistreXXX.com says…“mouths and pussies are not for sissies”. And that the best way to deal with it, was to excel as her slave…to make sure he was always needed, to make it so her life was so good with him as her slave that she could never give it up, no matter how many other men she fucked. To come to grips that he would never have sex, that she has the absolute right to fuck anyone she pleases, and that it’s absolutely out of his control…because a slave does not have a say…that’s the bottom line. You’re either a slave, or you’re not. If you’re not…that’s fine, but that changes the dynamic of the relationship – either way you have to make a decision and commit.
In a nutshell, these are the things I said to him. What I wasn’t aware of was how loud I’d begun to speak…I suppose in my passion for the topic, I had raised my voice. The next thing I heard was from the other room “It was a million to one times better, not a thousand to one.” followed by raucous laughter from all three dominants.
What I saw next actually surprised me. I thought I would see a fire…a ferocity…anger…jealousy well up in the eyes of Nameless. I thought that comment, in his fragile state might tip him over what he could bare. The opposite seemed to happen…he slouched, he looked down at the floor…it seemed there was a crack there previously, and at that moment the crack spread and what was left of his ego collapsed and became non-existant. It seemed like he became a real slave before my very eyes. He accpeted his role, and his fate.
I felt a proufound happiness and sadness for him. I know how happy I was to find that place of utter servitude, but I am also acutely aware of the sacrifices that come with it. And for him, perhaps it’s worse. He might not get beaten nearly as bad as me, but at least I get fucked, I have that satisfaction…he will never have sex again as long as he is with her. Sure he gets ruined orgasms once in a while, teased constantly, just like Goddess Starla and Mistress Irony do, but none of them allow sex…to me that’s quite profound, and I want to salute those sissy slaves for their sacrifice. I’ve had a taste of it…and it’s not easy.
This was a hell of a ramble, but I can’t get last night out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about it. Master later reassured me at what a good job I’d done in reinforcing Nameless’ role – that he was proud of me. Like I said…I felt very conflicted on what I’d done. Maybe it was for the best though. I know just how awful the other end of the spectrum is, in not having a dominant to submit your everything to.
Fact is, everyone is different and everyone will deal with these things differently. If you listen to the MistreXXX.com podcast at all, I agree with their assessment of communication, communication, communcation between couples. Again, most people aren’t as serious or lifestyle as I am or our close friends, and the most important thing is to talk about things, and make comprimises…it comes down to your own individual relationship, and nothing I say or anyone else, should be a rule for anyone else. We’re all making it up as we go along.